Agressor's Anonymous

Over the years, I have become aware of a vast elaborate, highly planned and coordinated international conspiracy directed against myself. As is well known, we Pakistanis love conspiracies and nearly everything that happens in this country is attributed to either the CIA, RAW or the ISI, so most people would be skeptical about my claim. However, let me just let the facts speak. It all starts in the morning when I wake up. As soon as I enter the shower and soap myself, the water pressure suddenly tumbles to the point that the shower starts dribbling. Interestingly, the pressure recovers as soon as I give up. However, if I merely pretend to give up, it remains low. After much investigation, I have concluded that some kind of monitoring device in my bathroom is connected to the spillway on either the Mangla Dam or the Bagilar project that India is so keen to complete. As soon as I have soaped myself, someone opens the spillways causing a drop in pressure. In winters, an even more elaborate element is added to the plan. Although the water pressure still drops, enough of it remains to tempt me into the shower. However, as soon as I have adjusted the temperature to a comfortable level, the washing machine immediately switches on. In a cruel twist, it sucks in only the cold water thus scalding me. I have realized that the plan is actually to scald me when my eyes are covered with shampoo, however, this system has not been perfected. Nor does this stop here. After no doubt many years of experimentation, the masterminds of this plot have identified how long it takes a person with shampoo in their eyes to readjust the water temperature. And as soon as I have become comfortable again, the washing machine changes it's cycle, causing the water in my shower to suddenly reach freezing point. Incidentally, over the years we have changed washing machines several times, going through German, Japanese and now Chinese models. But apparently, all these countries are in on the plot, and so I continue to suffer. I can only conclude that this is a UN directed effort. I must say however that I am particularly disappointed that our Chinese friends should have joined this conspiracy. After my shower ordeal, other parts of the plan are brought into play. If I attempt to log on to check my e-mail, thousands of people immediately log on as well and start downloading large files, slowing the cable speed to a crawl. Again, I am stunned at the sheer expense and coordination of this effort to crush my sanity. Alternately, if I persist, or if I start doing some other work on the computer, a team of electrical engineers immediately interrupts the electricity at a critical point. I should mention by the way, that this team of saboteurs is highly mobile, because they manage this no matter which part of the city I happen to be in. Speaking of moving about the city, my leaving the house is the signal for a large team of highly skilled stunt drivers to leap into action. I say a large team, because even though they employ the same tactics, the faces of the agents are constantly changing. Let me now identify some of these tactics. First, there is the motorcycle-car combo. In this, the cyclist's job is to weave his motorcycle through the stopped traffic till he is in front of my car. When the light changes, he pretends to get going, but stalls his bike inches from my car leaving me trapped. He then spends the rest of the green light pretending to kick start it. In the meantime, the other member of his team honks non-stop behind me. In another version (and there are many more) two stunt drivers in Suzuki Fxs attempt unsuccessfully to overtake one another at 30km per hour, often with the stalled motorcycle stuntman in the third lane. And all the time, other members of the team keep me on edge by changing lanes or speeding and braking in a demented fashion. Until that is, I decide to escape home, at which point I am sure, Lahore's traffic flows smoothly and without incident. Needless to say, after all this I am in a nervous sweat and it's time to head to the shower again.